Editor’s Note: This piece has been reprinted with the permission of the original author, my mom (aka Grannytoad).
Dad has just started a new job. He doesn’t really know any of the people or the boss. On day one he heard something about a Christmas Office Party and gift exchange but no details. He figured some kind of email would be sent to everyone with the details. He promptly forgot about it and immersed himself in the new job.
Then late one night before going to bed, Dad decides to check his email. And there is a reminder for everyone to remember to bring their gift for the gift exchange THE NEXT DAY!
I asked him what kind of exchange it was going to be… funny gift, white elephant, gag, nice gift??? What about price range??? He has NO CLUE! Since every other holiday gift exchange we have been involved with has been white elephant we figure the odds are in his favor that this exchange will be the same.
Since both of us were in our jammies ready to go to bed.. neither of us wants to head out into the cold to go to a 24 hour store. I was walking by a closet and opened the door and there was a BIG well used fake plaster pumpkin with a light in it. At the same time Dad was walking down the hall and he set off the motion activated “wall Santa” that puts out a loud mechanical HO HO HO and then proceeds to sing a mechanical Jingle Bells. I said… well.. you could have the “wall Santa” (he never was fond of the darn thing) or the pumpkin. He takes a look at the pumpkin and pronounces it perfect!
I set about packaging up the well used pumpkin into an attractive looking gift complete with a sparkling snowflake type ribbon with silver garland with stars on it. I suggested that he might ask what kind of exchange was being held.. when he got to work in the morning. If it was not to be a white elephant exchange he could always leave the gift in the car and since he had just started working there.. claim he didn’t know about the exchange and just not participate. “Good idea!”, he says.
The next morning at the crack of dawn as Dad heads out the door for his 1 ½ hour trek to work through bumper to bumper Houston traffic, I suggest he grab an old towel from the garage to throw over the package. Should he decide to leave the “gift” in the car we really didn’t need to have someone breaking out a window in the truck to steal the “ratty pumpkin”!
After Dad left for work, I promptly forgot about the whole party and gift exchange and went about my day.
A little after 5 PM Dad called to say he was just about to head home through the always brutal traffic. At that point I remembered the gift exchange and asked how it went.
Turns out Dad dove into his new job as soon as he hit the office and forgot to ask anyone about the rules for the gift exchange. The next thing he knew it was time for everyone to leave for the restaurant!
Throwing all caution to the wind… he took the “gift” into the restaurant.. after all the odds were in his favor that it would be a white elephant exchange… right???
For anyone who does not know how these exchanges work… The first person picks a gift from the stack. They open it and can either keep it, exchange it by taking a gift from someone else or pick a new gift. The first person to pick.. gets to have a chance to swap gifts after the last person has gotten a gift since the first person didn’t have anyone to exchange with.
The gift exchange begins! The first person opens a very nice gift and chooses to keep it. Even in white elephant exchanges, there is always someone who brings a nice gift.. so Dad isn’t worried…. YET! It soon becomes apparent after several people have chosen and exchanged gifts that this exchange was not meant to be white elephants! By now he has heard the rules as people exclaimed.. “WOW great gift.. how did you find THAT for only $15??!”
Needless to say Dad is mortified. Being Mr. Calm he never lets on his discomfort and figures he can grab the pumpkin himself…. No such luck.
Soon after the exchange started… Nice Lady (I don’t know any of these people so that title will have to do) picks the package I had wrapped up so festively. Still sitting quietly, Dad wishes he could be beamed to another planet before Nice Lady opens the gift!
Nice Lady proceeds to open the gift and sits there absolutely stunned! Dad hears the boss whisper to someone… “Looks like a piece of crap from someone’s attic!” Dad knows everyone is wondering, “WHO is the cheap SOB who brought that ratty old piece of junk.. and a pumpkin no less!”
Nice Lady is still sitting there in total silence staring at her “gift”.. probably in a state of shock. People wait for her to get another gift or exchange it… but she just sits there with it. She was probably thinking… “How do I ever foist this thing off on one of my co workers when I have to face them every day??” Or maybe she was just numb… she didn’t make a move to exchange the gift or get a new one so the exchange continued. Poor Nice Lady.. everyone after her would either go over to check out the pumpkin on her lap or look in her direction as if actually thinking about exchanging their wonderful gift for her “ratty pumpkin”! For Dad the total gift exchange took an eternity!
When everyone went in to eat.. Dad was fortunate that he didn’t have to sit next to Nice Lady!
Two eternities later, the gala Christmas Luncheon was over (no one knowing who had brought the ratty pumpkin) and people headed for their cars. Dad caught up with Nice Lady and asked if she would be willing to exchange the pumpkin for the $15 gift card he had gotten. She looked at him with amazement or was it shock… and said nothing. She was probably wondering if he was just one more idiot making fun of her gift! To break the silence Dad asked again if she would be willing to exchange gifts with him. “You are serious aren’t you?” she said…. not really believing him! Dad assured her he was serious. “Why would you want THIS?” she asked totally dumbfounded! “I want the pumpkin for my wife”, Dad replies. “Ummmm you want to give THIS to your wife?”, she can’t believe her ears. “Oh yes,” says Dad… “My wife collects pumpkins she will love it!” “Won’t your wife be a bit surprised when you come home from the gift exchange with THIS?!!”, stammers Nice Lady… “Oh, she will be surprised”, says Dad smiling kindly.
Nice Lady can’t believe her good luck.. she hands over the pumpkin and takes the gift card from Dad and hurries for the door before he can change his mind. When at the door.. she stops for a minute and turns around and thanks Dad, once again, for the exchange. She must have been sooo relieved that she didn’t have to go home and face her family with the ratty pumpkin she had gotten in exchange for whatever nice gift she had taken. Nice Lady must also wonder what kind of other gifts Dad has given his wife if he thinks she will be thrilled with that ratty old pumpkin!
I have laughed myself silly every time I think about the whole event. Every time I go out on the porch for a smoke I end up laughing hysterically.. good thing it is cold out (and everyone is hunkered down in their houses) and none of the neighbors can see (or hear) me! I just hope no one from Dad’s new job reads this forum or the first paycheck he gets may be his last…LOL
